Bawl

#176: Here's a Big One

Met up with some ex-officemates yesterday. I'm still their baby. Just like I was when I was early 20ish, fresh out of University, naive, impressionable. One is a Powerpuff girl. She's in her mid-30's, director of a Marketing group in a big telco in the Philippines. Flies to Sydney for a business trip. Offers to fly me to Gold Coast with her this weekend so she'll have company. Pretty. A high-maintenance girl who's unapologetic about it. "I maintain myself." That's her winning answer.

At some point, I think I looked at her and said to myself that, yeah, I'll maintain myself too. I'm at the age they were when I first met them. They're still worrying about me having enough warm clothes. "Gladys, are you warm enough? Do you want me to leave you my scarf and coat?" (They're pretty nice. Maybe I do. But I said no.) They're still paying for my meals. "It's on me, Gladys. You're a poor student. Order whatever you want." As I said, still their baby.

So what is wrong with that? Baby. I think I sometimes am still one. Big one. Especially when I think of having to walk to the bus stop in the cold or ironing my clothes or folding them up or doing the laundry or doing the dishes. But that's just in my head. No one can be a baby forever. I wouldn't want to be one forever. Have you seen a baby in her late 20s? That has to be freakingly ugly.

(Ah, the past still claws at you and grips your neck.) My past? Heck no. Or maybe. Did I start hating him when I stopped loving him or did I just become indifferent? I cared enough to wish him a normal life, didn't I? (Does it sting? I thought you're much stronger than this. Now aren't you a little baby?) Ah, but I am. Stronger than this, I mean. And I'm not a baby. I maintain myself, remember?

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Sidenote:
That didn't make much sense, I know. Forgive me, I had two hours of sleep. One horrible paper. One presentation. Another meeting. Plus one cocktail party to go to with this guy I can't look at but whom I mustered enough courage to be decent (no, even friendly) to today. And while he said we could share a cab, I think he would've redeemed himself if he said he'd take care of the fare. Oh. There I am again. Big baby. Yeesh. I'll take the bloody bus.